The Paintball Sniper
It is a well-known fact that I’m not much of a drinker and consequently, am not much of a partier. On the rare occasion where I do drink, I’m not usually in the “party” setting - I suck at beer pong, I really don’t like the feeling of being “buzzed”, and I do not enjoy being the only sober person in a crowd of drunks (however entertaining that may be). In addition, being intoxicated doesn’t allow me to respond to EMS calls, and inevitably there is always that “really really good call” at a point in time where I drink. So therefore, I probably drink 3 or 4 times a year. This is not to offend those of you who do drink - more power to you if you like to and can handle it. It’s just not for me. Likewise, I happen to live in a house that has very sucky windows. This would not be a huge problem if I didn’t live on one of the main routes to and from the bars. What could these two things have in common, you ask? Why let me tell you.
My sucky windows are the reason, in addition to buzzed (some of them may be sober….I’m just guessing they wouldn’t be screaming at the top of their lungs in the wee hours of the morning if they weren’t even a little bit buzzed) nighttime stroll-ers, why I find myself awake at 2am in the morning, with a severe headache and a grumpy attitude. I cannot figure out why, for the life of me, drunk individuals like to scream and yell things (obscenities, random syllables, vowels, etc) on their walk from the bar to wherever they are going that night. However, it happens. And unfortunately, it usually happens in the near vicinity of my bedroom windows. This causes a problem. Being rudely woken up for something other than an EMS call usually puts me in a very bad mood, and on this particular night, has kept me up for at least half an hour. Just as I start to drift off, I hear another “WHHOOOOHHOOOOO!!!” or “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!!” or “WHERE IS MY SHOE?!?!?!?!?!”. While these do provide some entertainment, I assure you, they get old.
So, my solution and new occupation suggestion: THE PAINTBALL SNIPER. This is an all purpose solution - not only for the drunks passing by my house, but for any general annoyance when one finds himself/herself rudely awakened from a peaceful sleep. Whenever the screams of the intoxicated wake me up by passing my window, I will simply load my paintball gun, and give them a love tap as they pass. Via the laws of classical conditioning, the bar frequenter that chooses the return route past my house will soon learn not to shout when they are within reach of my paintball gun of awesomeness. I might even color code the paintballs, due to seriousness of infraction. The infraction will vary according to length, loudness, stupidity of the phrase or sounds yelled, and the amount of time that I am kept awake.
This way, everyone wins. It’s my way of saying “Please be quiet, I love my sleep a whole lot”, and the midnight-howler has a gentle reminder to be conscious of others no matter what state of intoxication or soberness they may be in.
I think its a solid strategy :). And if you’re someone I know, and I paintball you, my apologies. Please don’t scream outside my window.
